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Breaking news: Sarah Palin’s “other man” identified

Since the National Enquirer is about to publish a story about Sarah Palin’s extramarital affair, it’s time to preempt the scoop.
I’m the other man.
Yes, yes, I know. It’s a shock to everyone around me, too. But the truth will out. All five of her kids are actually mine. Just look at their cheekbones and noses. It’s all plain for anyone with eyes to see. And just who do you think encouraged her penchant for giving her children unusual names? That’s right: Yours Truly.
She never actually sold the Governor’s jet on eBay, either. She had it painted black and periodically sends it here to the local airstrip to carry me to Alaska whenever Todd’s away and she feels … errr … lonely.
Don’t be so shocked. Look at my picture and you’ll understand why powerful, accomplished professional women can’t resist me. Next week, I’ll have an announcement about Angelina Jolie’s not-so-perfect marriage to Brad Pitt … and the true paternity of her twins.
Surely you don’t think she just spontaneously started leaning rightward, do you?

Update: Dirty rotten liar!!!1!