The nation’s capital hasn’t seen such concentrated wisdom in one place since Paris Hilton dined alone at the Hooters on Connecticut Avenue.
Also in the Support Group: Iran and Syria. Yes, having done their best to destroy the new Iraq, these two tyrannical nations are poised to perform a very, very constructive role in helping to get the new Iraq up on its own two footsies!
And why? Because, see, it’s in their interest to do so: “Although Iran sees it in its interest to have the United States bogged down in Iraq, Iran’s interests would not be served by a failure of U.S. policy in Iraq that led to chaos and the territorial disintegration of the Iraqi state.”
This is why we have commissions, you see. Regular dumb folk might look at the evidence of the past 25 years and think that the last thing Iran wants is a nice, strong and stable Iraq on its border. They might think that a strong and stable authoritarian Iraq might just attack Iran again and cause another 10-year war with deaths of millions. But here’s the ISG to set us dumb people straight.
The ISG is right. Syria can make a major contribution to Iraq’s stability. But oddly enough, it chooses not to! Because until yesterday, it didn’t have Paris Hilton – sorry, James Baker – explaining how wonderfully helpful it would be.
Now, we dumb people might think that recent history demonstrates Israel will never consent to such a thing, and that Syria knows it full well, and that Syria doesn’t actually want the Golan Heights back, and that like Iran, Syria would have more reason to fear a stable and successful Iraq than anything else in the world.
But that’s what being stupid gets you. It means you don’t understand the incredible value of the James Baker Handy-Dandy Solution to All the World’s Ills. It’s called “Get Israel.” Once Israel is gotten, and gotten good, all the problems in the Middle East will be solved. And the seas will turn to lemonade, and the planets will come in alignment, and Mel Gibson will lie down with Jackie Mason.