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Aye, it all be fun ‘n games …

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Ahoy matey! I haven’t seen ye in a while. What happened? Ye look terrible!”
“What d’ye mean? I be fine”, says the pirate.
“What about that wooden leg? Ye didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “we’s in a terrible bad battle at sea, and along comes a cannon ball a-flyin’ at me ‘n and takes off me leg at the knee … but here the doc comes along and fixes me up. I be fine now.”
“Aye, ye don’t say? Well what ’bout that there hook? The last time I seen ye, ye had both hands.”
“It’s like this, barkeep. We’s in another battle, and we boards the enemy ship. I be in a right nasty cutlass duel, and the other cap’n he gets rude. He up ‘n whacks off me hand before I lops off his ugly noggin. Lucky fer me, along comes the doc again ‘n fixes me up wi’ this here hook. I be feelin’ right strong again, ye land-lubbin’ rum-sligin’ dog.”
“Aye,” says the bartender, “but what about that eye patch? The last time ye dragged yer sorry carcass in here ye had both eyes.”
“Shiver me timbers! Ye ask a million questions. A few days later we’s headin’ fer home, an’ as I be standin’ on the quarterdeck I see some gulls a-circlin’ o’er the ship. I look up, and wouldn’t ye know it but one o’ the flyin’ fleabags up ‘n craps in me eye.”
“Yer a lyin’ thief and a stumblin’ drunk,” says the bartender, “ye couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird crap!”
“Arrrr, ye son of a bowlegged cabin boy! I wasn’t used to the hook yet.”