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| Age: old enough to know better | Age: young enough to do it anyway |
| Sex: male | Sex: unhappily celibate |
| Marital Status: single | Marital Status: single ... in Cleveland (please shoot me) |
| Home: suburbs of Cleveland | Home: too darn close to Canada |
| Race: human | Race: why do you care, you melanin-obsessed socialist bean counter? |
| Sings: baritone | Sings: better after a few beers |
| Plays: guitar, harmonica | Plays: better than you'd expect for a guy who doesn't practice |
| Sense of Humor: a keen sense for the absurd and quirky | Sense of Humor: biting, acerbic, and sarcastic |
| Past Travels: Canada, Jamaica, St. Maarten, Scotland, England (twice), France (twice), Portugal, Australia, Hawaii, Guam, Kwajalein, The Azores, Pohnpei, Palau, Bali (twice), Tinian, Saipan, Rota, Ulithi & Ngulu | Past Travels: more hole-in-the-wall dive bars and gin mills than any functioning liver should be subjected to |
| Past Military Service: U.S. Coast Guard, 9 proud years | Past Military Service: glad it's past service ... I like my goatee |
| Favorite Teams: OSU Buckeyes, Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Indians | Favorite Teams: it's way past time to win a Super Bowl (1964) or World Series (1948) |
| Party: Republican (pro-life, tax-cutting defenders of the West) | Party: Republican (those craven, sniveling pantywaists) |
| Attitude: Type A hard-charger | Attitude: never do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow |
| Faith: Christian since August of '96 | Faith: must turn ... other cheek ... *grunt* ... *strain* ... |
