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Pillar of Society
- Age: old enough to know better
- Sex: male
- Marital Status: single
- Home: suburbs of Cleveland
- Race: human
- Sings: baritone
- Plays: guitar, harmonica
- Sense of Humor: a keen sense for the absurd and quirky
- Past Travels: Canada, Jamaica, St. Maarten, Scotland, England (twice), France (twice), Portugal, Australia, Hawaii, Guam, Kwajalein, The Azores, Pohnpei, Palau, Bali (twice), Tinian, Saipan, Rota, Ulithi & Ngulu
- Past Military Service: U.S. Coast Guard, 9 proud years
- Current Occupation: studying for the bar exam
- Favorite Teams: OSU Buckeyes, Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Indians
- Party: Republican (pro-life, tax-cutting defenders of the West)
- Attitude: Type A hard-charger
- Faith: Christian since August of '96
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Rebellious Scalawag
- Age: young enough to do it anyway
- Sex: unhappily celibate
- Marital Status: single ... in Cleveland (please shoot me)
- Home: too darn close to Canada
- Race: why do you care, you melanin-obsessed socialist bean counter?
- Sings: better after a few beers
- Plays: better than you'd expect for a guy who doesn't practice
- Sense of Humor: biting, acerbic, and sarcastic
- Past Travels: more hole-in-the-wall dive bars and gin mills than any functioning liver should be subjected to
- Past Military Service: glad it's past service ... I like my goatee
- Current Occupation: grad school pays squat
- Favorite Teams: it's way past time to win a Super Bowl (1964) or World Series (1948)
- Party: Republican (those craven, sniveling pantywaists)
- Attitude: never do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow
- Faith: must turn ... other cheek ... *grunt* ... *strain* ...
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