Topic: Humor

An image crying out for a witty caption

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Story here (and details about shutting down Main Street USA here). Offer your suggestions below.

Obama at Disney

Monday morning e-mail sentiments

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Pretty much covers it, I'd say.

Occupy Wall Street was predicted in 2005

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Who is the 99%, anyway?

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Eric Allie cartoon

Those crazy wingnut religious fanatics

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Eric Allie cartoon

Video: Herman Cain on Red Eye

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Pretty much sums it up.


Carry on, you racist.

We are The Prog

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Take a gander at what I found in the sidebar over at The Communist Party of Ohio ProgressOhio (click to enlarge):

We are The Prog


These mindless, emoting drones are living parodies. The gags write themselves.

New! Miracle!! Hair!!! Restoration!!!1!

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The truth hurts

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whiny progressives

On the Boehner bill

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GOP as Lucy with the football


--

8:00 PM Update: Hey, our dose of fiscal arsenic just got reduced from "rapid death" to "slightly less rapid death." Best we can do. Declare victory and drink up, boys.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker!

What makes Obama cry?

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The denizens over at my favorite conservative humor site, iOwnTheWorld, have some hilarious guesses.

Obama crybaby

Sarah Palin, imbecile?

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Progressives are business geniuses

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Eric Allie toon

Tornadoes vs. Obama

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These tornado outbreaks are hurting Barack Obama's image.


You know what happens when you harm the re-election prospects of The One, don't you?

For today:


Tomorrow -- weather permitting -- they'll be singing this one.

piranhas

Defusing the race bomb

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Since we all know that the default Democrat tactic in the 2012 presidential race will be to slander all of President Obama's critics as racists, we should be prepared to turn the tables on them. To that end, I hereby release into the public domain the following graphics to anyone and everyone to use, totally free, gratis, no rights reserved, etc.

This one is a PNG file with a transparent background:

RACIST rubber stamp -- transparent background

If you're handy with PhotoShop you can "rubber stamp" it over any image you want, as in this example:

racist puppy

And of course, there's the ever-so-useful Race Card; it's perfect for pre-emptive throwing atop anything you write that dares to criticize The One:

Obama Race Card

So get busy, my fellow conservatives critics individualists racists! Our progressive betters intend to sling plenty of incendiary accusations at us no matter what we do, so we might as well start countering the meme now. Just remember ... there are five R's in RAAAAACISM!

Video: Osama's latest message

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Obama got Osama?

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Technically true.

Obama got Osama

Google reviews of Osama's Hideout

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Judging by the reviews, it isn't exactly a honeymoon destination. The air traffic sounds brutal.

The sequel to the original rap is finally out.


Set the markets free, yo.

How to fix the deficit

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Eric Allie -- tax the rich

Prosperity through taxation

Any regrets yet, lefties?

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Remember, whenever Barack Obama announces a policy or makes a pronouncement, refer to Geraghty's Rule: "All statements from Barack Obama come with an expiration date. All of them."


Eric Allie toon

Toon by Eric Allie

New TSA logo

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TSA logo

This is doubly true for MSNBC anchors.

pistol     razors

rope     pills

bridge     exhaust pipe

train     Nancy Pelosi

Video: Alan Grayson is a Satanist

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Where do I sign?

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I thought I was in love before, but that was then and this is now. Meet my next girlfriend:

fake personals ad pictureLinklink33

Never stops anything that makes you happy.

31-year-old woman
Beaver, Pennsylvania, United States
seeking men 30-48
within 300 miles of Beaver, Pennsylvania, United States

Relationships: Never Married
Have kids: No
Want kids: Not sure
Ethnicity: Other
Body type: Slender
Height: 5'7" (170cms)
Religion: Christian / Catholic
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker

I am flexible and tactful by nature. I believe in all the best and pure in this world and the people that surround me. I believe that there is no fortuity and everything that happens with us is due to the things around us. I can forgive and I think that love is measure by the ability to forgive. I always try to look on things positively. I don't like being part of the problem, but instead i will be part of the solution. I love talking and listening to people so i can learn more and impact in other people. Am looking for a down to earth caring and loving man. I live rather simply, especially considering my past experince in relationship, Honesty, trust, loyalty and devotion are very important to me in a relationship. I like to be able to talk things out and to listen even more importantly. Too many men think they need to find a solution to a problem alone when its supposed to be shared between partners.

About me
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Sports and exercise: Golf, Swimming
Exercise habits: Exercise 3-4 times per week
Interests: Cooking, Movies/Videos
Education: No Answer
Occupation: Sales / Marketing
Income: No Answer
Languages: English
Politics: Ultra Conservative
Sign: Don't display my sign
Pets I have: No Answer
Pets I like: Dogs

About my date
Hair: No Answer
Eyes: No Answer
Height: 3'0" (91cms) to 8'11" (272cms)
Body type: No Answer
Languages: English
Ethnicity: No Answer
Faith: No Answer
Education: No Answer
Job: No Answer
Income: No Answer
Smoke: No Answer
Drink: No Answer
Relationships: No Answer
Have kids: No Answer
Want kids: No Answer

Sweet! A total babe who has mastered the English language, displays a philosophical bent, has no physical standards whatsoever, touts her flexibility ... and lives in Beaver? What's not to like?

An even newer Democrat logo

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Democratic Party

Insanity

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insanity

How could any man resist?

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Yesterday I stumbled across the most alluring online dating profile I've seen yet, and I think I'm in love.

fake online dating picOrchid678679

The surprising orchid wishes to blossom from love

90-year-old woman
Powell, Ohio, United States
seeking men 35-75
within 100 miles of Powell, Ohio, United States

Relationships: Never Married
Have kids: No
Want kids: Definitely
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Body type: Slender
Height: 5'7" (170cms)
Religion: Christian / Other
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Never

I the beautiful romantic girl I always try to follow education of the parents. On it at me it is a lot of principles. And it not to like many people. Probably on it I still one. But I am beautiful. It is clever, I cheerful. And I all heart trust in that that I will find second half. I adore romanticism. I like to prepare! I hardworking, and accurate. To me always it is a lot of attention, from men. But this attention only an inclination. And I very much would like to meet such person which loved not that that at me outside, but also still that that inside.

I wish to meet the strong and loving man! Which will love and appreciate! Should be the sympathising kind man, to support a difficult minute in all! To be present my half for all life!!! I would want that this person was the reliable husband and the father, raised and brought up our children, that children in the future could is proud of the father! The most important a thing in the person not its appearance, beauty and age, and his soul!!! Namely the soul speaks about that what person really in a life! If there will be such person I think that we can create a strong and friendly family!!!

fake online dating picAbout me
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Sports and exercise: Cycling, Dancing, Skiing
Exercise habits: No Answer
Interests: Camping, Cooking, Gardening/Landscaping, Museums and art, Music and concerts
Education: High school
Occupation: Education / Teacher / Professor
Income: No Answer
Languages: English
Politics: Liberal
Sign: Libra
Pets I have: Dogs
Pets I like: Cats, Fish, Horses

About my date
Hair: No Answer
Eyes: No Answer
Height: 3'0" (91cms) to 8'11" (272cms)
Body type: No Answer
Languages: English
Ethnicity: No Answer
Faith: No Answer
Education: No Answer
Job: No Answer
Income: No Answer
Smoke: No Answer
Drink: No Answer
Relationships: No Answer
Have kids: No Answer
Want kids: No Answer

I could be a 71 year old fry cook making minimum wage, bald, with one eye, weighing 350 pounds, a high school dropout with 5 failed marriages and 8 kids ... but as long as I'm over 3 feet tall and speak English I have a shot. If she looks this good at 90, imagine the improvements she can bring to the ol' family gene pool.

I'd better e-mail this princess before she's swept off her feet by Keith Stone.


Hold my Stones.

Democrat election strategy

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racist sexist homphobic bigot

Good advice for Betty Sutton

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Given her stellar record since 2006, her fondness for meeting her constituents face to face, and her penchant for all things centrally planned, Representative Betty Sutton (D-OH) will no doubt draw many valuable lessons (and no small amount of inspiration) from the following instructional video provided by Her Majesty's Government.


I hope Betty's scheduler takes these tips into account when updating her calendar. He must be a very busy staffer; I've been calling him several times a week without response.

Vote Democrat

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They're for "the little guy," after all.


Duane Lester, you're spot on.

As long as I'm on a pop culture kick that started with the Underpants Gnomes, I figured I'd use another analogy to illustrate the governing philosophy of the progressives controlling Washington. Democrats see government spending and think: Brawndo!

If you haven't seen "Idiocracy" yet, you're missing out.

Obama's new theme song?

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Captain KickAss only needs a costume to be everybody's hero.


Now what might he look like in a costume? Hmmm ...

What? I need a reason?


I like the song. So sue me.

Betty Sutton, is that you?

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Looks about right to me.

Betty Sutton

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

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Just doing my part, in the spirit of the holiday.

Muhammed

Aloha snackbar.

Octobama

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Eric Allie's latest:

Octobama

I like the way this guy thinks.

Obamacare illustrated

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Obamacare as a mousetrap grenade

Two piles of trash

Stupak the metaphor

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Bart Stupak as Neville Chamberlain

Obama and his Precious

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Obama as Gollum

Witty, eye-catching title

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Post urging reader to immediately click through to the funniest meta video and ensuing comment thread in ages.

Apropos image

Monosyllabic expression of hearty approval.

Great migrations in American history

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Great migrations

See more at Tom McMahon's excellent 4-Block World.

The source of Obama's jobs numbers

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From John Bergstrom's Attack Cartoons:

Jobs created or saved

It's as plausible as anything else!

They been goin' back 'n forth for a century ...


Set the markets free, yo.

Picking on Slow Joe Biden

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I know, I know. It's about as sporting as clubbing baby seals, but I can't resist.

Joe Biden dumbass

Thanks. I feel better now.

How to determine if you're a racist

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Thank goodness someone created an easy flowchart!

Racism flowchart

Hat tip: Power Line

ACORN "audit" isn't

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"Independent review", my skinny white butt.

ACORN independent review

Next!

Just a reminder of where we're headed

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Best. Dog. Ever.

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Absolutely hilarious!

Hat tip: iOwnTheWorld

FreedomWorks knows how to grovel:

Washington, DC -- Today, FreedomWorks released an apology to leftist political organizations, including MoveOn.org, the Democratic National Committee, the AFL-CIO, and ACORN for our apparent ignorance of the fine art of political discourse.

FreedomWorks' August Recess Call to Action encouraged grassroots citizens to attend Congressional town hall meetings and listening sessions. We asked everyone to voice their opinions and communicate their opposition to the President's proposed hostile takeover of the American health care system. Apparently, the very act of showing up and having an opinion is, in effect, to act like a "thug." Opposing President Obama's policy agenda on health care is, in and of itself, unacceptable, and has no place in our democracy. Bottom line: it's "disgusting," according to our friends on the left.

Follow the link to hear the ever-so-cultured voicemail messages left by our betters among the Obamabots.

It's approved by the Health Administration Bureau, so you know it's peachy keen!

So you think health care's boring? Politics makes you zone out? Can't find the time between work and reruns of American Idol to focus your A.D.D.-riddled mind on something requiring actual rational thought?

Pop another Ritalin, sit down, shut up, and watch this. It's funny. No, really ... it is.

There! Was that so hard? In our next lesson, we'll learn how to get off our lazy butts and pimp-slap the idiot politicians who want to bring this farce here to America.

OK, you can go back to watching Jon Stewart now.

Here's a big tip o' the hat to Caleb at RedState for finding this.

Video: Aussies to invade New Zealand

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Uplifting "Hope & Change" shirts and sweats like these ...

Cheap hope and change shirt

Women's hope and change shirt

Dark hope and change hoodie

... can be bought here.

Saturday Stupid

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Obama's rose-colored glasses

Founding Fathers on bailouts

Obama crashing a car

How to speak like a complete tool

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Barack Obama gives us the umpteenth example of teleprompterless blather.

How to write like a complete tool

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Behold Ross Wasserstrom's turgid prose. This kid is going places.

I'm surprised nobody thought of #mockobama before me. Have at it!

Parody lyrics: "Welfare"

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To mark the impending passage of the stimulus package The Generational Theft Act of 2009, I wrote a parody for any good Barack Obama impersonator to sing (with backup vocals by Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barney Frank).

"Welfare"
(Tune: "Hang Fire" by The Rolling Stones)


Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well
Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well

In the brand new country we're gonna remake
Nobody has a job, cuz they're all on the take, welfare
Uh welfare

Well running your life is our full time job
We know what's best for you, you're just a helpless slob, welfare
Uh welfare, welfare, sign right there, baby yeah
Uh welfare, welfare, sign right there, baby

Yeah
Uh welfare

We got four short years to spread all of your wealth
This truckload of cash won't spend itself
Here in D.C. we're on a tear
Say what the hell, say what the hell, welfare
Welfare, welfare, welfare, sign right there, baby
Welfare, welfare, welfare, welfare
Welfare, welfare, sign right there baby

Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well
Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well
Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well
Welfare welfare, welfare welfare, welfare welfare, well well

Cough up a trillion dollars for us to burn
Then re-elect us cuz you never learn, welfare
Uh welfare, welfare, sign right there baby
Uh welfare, welfare, sign right there
Welfare welfare welfare welfare
Sign right there
Sign right there

Considering the original song's ironic subject, I fiured it could use an update. After all, Barack Obama is the new James Callaghan.

Why I like Red Eye: Reason #1

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Obama supporters left adrift

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Heh.

H/T: Bearing Drift Ohio

Congratulations, Obama supporters

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Obama's zombies

The reins are in your hands now. Kindest regards, et cetera.

I suspect the stench was pretty pungent afterward.


While searching through Amazon.com for a better litter box for my pair of furballs, I came across a review of the Cat Genie. After I stopped laughing, I realized I'd found a challenger to Tuscan Whole Milk for the title of Funniest Review Ever.

Here's the entire Cat Genie review, verbatim:

An expensive way to smell poo

Cat Genie takes the small unpleasantness of daily cleaning the litter and it saves it up and releases that unpleasantness as one big unscheduled, unpleasant inconvenience every week or two. Advanced monitors will ensure that the device failure will occur during the workday, as you prepare for your important meeting with your prospective client. Nothing like cleaning out wet cat poo in your nicest suit. Or, you may be pleasantly awoken in the middle of the night by the repeating three beeps of "there's poo and hair in the hopper." You will become more familiar with your cat's feces every day as the cat genie gently fills your home with the aroma of baking excrement. Plus, you get to pay over $300 for technology that was "designed" and built for less than $2. The "processor" unit was designed in 1967 and allows all the functionality of the most advanced microchip devices of its era. It has both on and off modes. (Note: off mode available only while unplugged.)

Actually, the real reason for the high cost of the device is to cover the costs of all the customer support that they must provide and to cover the costs of all of the returned units. The question is not IF, but WHEN you will find yourself hunched over your cat's feces floating in a pool of fetid water, picking small plastic pellets out of the opaque, pungent water with your fingers so that you can get the device put back together.

And your cats will thank you by depositing their love bundles beside the machine that's half filled with water and beeping away forlornly if you happen to be away when it fails.

We have three cats, they had no trouble adjusting to the machine over about a week. The small plastic pellets getting everywhere in the house is not really any big deal. Roomba takes care of most of them well. We've now had the machine for three months. We received a replacement base last week for a leaky drain hose. We've called their customer service line enough times that we now know the "secret" diagnostic techniques of their experts. We don't know if we're going to keep it or return it. If we keep it, we're definitely going to install an exhaust fan in the laundry room, and set it to a timer to go when the unit is on. For some reason there are little bits of poo that fall between the tines of the hopper, and they get slow baked every time the unit dries itself. The stench is really outstanding. It's hard to describe. I'm a doctor, and I've rarely ever smelled anything so bad.

My recommendation is to wait for the next generation cat sanitation solution. That device will need to be a complete redesign to solve the myriad of problems with this unfortunate device. To say something positive, the customer support line is manned by kind, well-meaning kids who really do feel badly that you're having a hard time with your mechanical poo soup maker.

If you do buy this device, get some thick rubber gloves and a couple of towels that you won't use for anything else.

His tricks, their treats

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Barack Obama's socialism illustrated:

His tricks, their treats

Foolish peasant. The Obamessiah knows how to spend your money better than you do.

Barack the Plumber

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Barack the Plumber

Sucks to be you, Joe.

Idiot voters

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These idiots are going to help choose our next President. Here's reason #5,832 why I don't want to encourage every eligible citizen to register to vote.

I wish these geniuses would just stay home on Election Day.

H/T: Red State

Those are not "Obama flags" behind the Obamessiah; they're official Ohio flags.

Obama in front of Ohio flags

This is the Obama flag:

Video: The Obama National Anthem

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Note the tune and the Cyrillic subtitles.

Absolutely fricken' priceless! Glenn Beck knocked this one out of the park.

Don't forget this clever ad, and this snarky scripture.

Anti-ACORN and anti-Obama graphics

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Feel free to use these on your own blog. All I ask is that you save your own copy of each image, and don't hotlink to the image on my web site. If you hotlink, it will drive up my bandwidth costs.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Oh, and here's one for that bailout bill:

Enjoy.

Leaked: Gwen Ifill's question list

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Jim Treacher has somehow gotten a copy of some of the questions on Gwen Ifill's list for moderating tomorrow's VP debate.

Since the National Enquirer is about to publish a story about Sarah Palin's extramarital affair, it's time to preempt the scoop.

I'm the other man.

Yes, yes, I know. It's a shock to everyone around me, too. But the truth will out. All five of her kids are actually mine. Just look at their cheekbones and noses. It's all plain for anyone with eyes to see. And just who do you think encouraged her penchant for giving her children unusual names? That's right: Yours Truly.

She never actually sold the Governor's jet on eBay, either. She had it painted black and periodically sends it here to the local airstrip to carry me to Alaska whenever Todd's away and she feels ... errr ... lonely.

Don't be so shocked. Look at my picture and you'll understand why powerful, accomplished professional women can't resist me. Next week, I'll have an announcement about Angelina Jolie's not-so-perfect marriage to Brad Pitt ... and the true paternity of her twins.

Surely you don't think she just spontaneously started leaning rightward, do you?

--

Update: Dirty rotten liar!!!1!

All hail the Obamessiah

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Enjoy the discussion.

The coming of the Obamessiah

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From the Book of Obama, Chapter 1:

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.


The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: "Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?"

Go ye forth, and read.

Apparently I don't exist

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HowManyOfMe.com
LogoThere are
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

It's news to me.

Delivered down the hall from the official CPAC room.

Red meat.

McCain's baggage

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Robin Williams in Kuwait: all class

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Funny and poignant all at once. God Bless him and the troops.

H/T: BlackFive

Jingle Bombs

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Nurse Ratched, debate moderator

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Fred Thompson apologizes to Mike Huckabee

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How the presidential candidates relax

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Smartassery from Fred.

Defeatocrats illustrated

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Baghdad Harry Reid

Harry and Nancy

Harry sees a blizzard

McCain's answer isn't the funny part. It's the question.

If the shoe fits ...

Happy Unspecified Holiday(s)

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Maybe they're talking about RamaHanuKwanzMas.

Hillary Clinton Nutcracker

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Get it while supplies last!

Hillary Nutcracker

Only $29.99 ... such a deal.

Your Saturday Fred Thompson Fact

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Man sues God, gets response

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You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with ... God?

A legislator who filed a lawsuit against God has gotten something he might not have expected: a response.

...

State Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha sued God last week, seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty for making terroristic threats, inspiring fear and causing "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers, a self-proclaimed agnostic who often criticizes Christians, said his filing was triggered by a federal lawsuit he considers frivolous. He said he's trying to makes the point that anybody can sue anybody.

Not so, says "God." His response argues that the defendant is immune from some earthly laws and the court lacks jurisdiction.

...

There was no contact information on the filing, although St. Michael the Archangel is listed as a witness

FYI, here's the original complaint: PDF documentErnest W. Chambers v. God

Boomstick 101 for AFP correspondents

General Lies And Power

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RedState illustrates MoveOn.org's defamatory defeatism with a historical parody:

Eisenhower parody of MoveOn.org's Petraeus/Betray Us ad

Hat tip: Right Angle Blog

The newest Fred Thompson Fact

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Google has updated its top result for the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Previously: Random Fred Thompson fact

Male restroom etiquette redux

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Recall the strictest of codes.

Add the following: "Do not under any circumstances assume a wide stance."

--

Update: And let's not forget the out-takes.

Random Fred Thompson fact

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Since Fred's officially jumping into the presidential race next Thursday, it's time to commit the following nugget of priceless information to memory.


Just refresh your browser to see another amazing Fred Thompson Fact.

President Bush identifies a new enemy

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Liberals have nothing to fear, naturally.

"Barack The Magic Negro" video

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No doubt you've heard about this.

Folks, Limbaugh does not produce videos. He didn't create this. It's not available on his site. It was posted on YouTube and was apparently created by some web site called politicalpartypoop.com, got it?

For Heaven's sake, look at the text that opens the video. Read. The. Text.

The SONG is posted on Limbaugh's site, but not the VIDEO. Rush Limbaugh DID NOT CREATE THIS VIDEO.

Morons taken in by the video:
USAToday's Mark Memmott and Jill Lawrence
KOVR Channel 13 (CBS affiliate in Sacramento)
DiversityInc Magazine's Aysha Hussain
Joe Gandelman
Tennessee Guerrilla Women
The Mahablog
Radar Online
BlogHer's Laina Dawes
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill
DailyKos' StormBear

Must. Gouge. Out. Eyes.

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Have you ever been simultaneously amused and horrified? If not, you will be.

Voinovich ain't gonna like this

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I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

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I'm definitely going to catch this when it hits theaters.

This is the first trailer in months that had me snickering out loud.

How tough is Fred Thompson?

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A sweet news recap

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Mary Katharine Ham looks back over the past week's events:

This is the first time I've ever listened to The Archies' biggest hit without gritting my teeth.

This is what happens when lefties use images on my server to sign their comments on The Daily Kos.

Update: Fair is fair. I retaliate against Freepers too.

Update 2: Computer geeks have gotten into bandwidth thievery too. Hey, more free ad space for me!

Dubya sings "Deck The Halls"

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Beware the Diebold ATM.

The troops in Iraq respond to Kerry

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Seen on FreeRepublic:

Hat tip: NixGuy

--

Update: Direct hit!

Sunday night smiles

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Just try not to smile.


Have a good week.

Airport security: PC farce

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Hat tip: Newest SOB Alliance member Connect the Dots. Good find!

David Zucker's newest ad

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David Zucker, creator of the hilarious Madaleine Halfbright Albright ad, has done it again:

Share this one with your voting friends.

Cut-and-run conservatives, illustrated

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There's more than a grain of truth in this cartoon. Don't let your emotions overrule your brain.

The star of Mystery Science Theater 3000 just rolled out the next best thing, RiffTrax:

Do you feel that some of the movies coming out of Hollywood are just, well, missing something? At RiffTrax, you can download Mike's running commentaries and listen to them along with your favorite, and not so favorite DVDs. It's like watching a movie with your funniest friend. And it's easy to do. Just check out our FAQ; more than likely, you have the tools to do it already.

Don't just sit back and take whatever Hollywood throws at you. Transform the DVD experience with RiffTrax. It's the most fun you'll ever have at the movies.

I'm going to try one, and soon.

Hat tip: Chuckoblog

The tip of the GOP gayberg

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Howard Dean's latest appeal to conservatives is out, and he's finally speaking my language.

How Ted Strickland feels right about now

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Poor Ted. It can't be much fun waiting for the next bite.

Piranhas
Strickland quote

Ah, sweet irony.

David Zucker's new ad poses the question: "The security of the United States is not a game. Can we afford a party that treats it like one?"

It's hilarious and dead-on accurate! The Republicans are wusses for not running the ad, so I will.

Male restroom etiquette

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Woe unto him who speaks in the loo.

"Where's Castro?" contest update

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Two out of four judges have voted. As soon as the other two decide, I'll announce the three winners and distribute the prizes.

Stay tuned, and thanks for your patience!

Scamming the scammers

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I received the following scam e-mail yesterday, and hopefully I can find a way to have some fun at these crooks' expense.

Hello,

I am Mr. Francis King, Marketing Head of Sun Oil Limited based in The United Kingdom. I am 54 years old, and have been in this position for approximately 5 years.

We are a small scale company with staff strength of 10. Our website is currently under construction and shall get to you once it has been set up.

Our company deals on import and export of Communication Accessories and Household Appliances. We specialize mainly on mechanical equipment, hardware, soft wares, electrical, medical, chemicals, light industrial products, office equipment and other products for world trade.

We also act as stock brokers and financial advisory for various small scaled Asian companies, unable to operate in the Western World due to logistic reasons such as language barrier / over head cost of maintanance,labour management,etc.

We are currently assisting these companies recruiting processing agents in The United States of America only, whose function would be primarily assisting us receive and disburse payment for sales of machanical and chemical industrial materials which our Asian affiliates / companies are basically involved in.

We have a worked out agreement of understanding to scout for representatives whose role will be to receive funds of their behalf after they have concluded shipment of their products to their numerous customers in the states.

In other words, you role will be that of a payment agent. You shall handle cash payments on their behalf.

You are to deduct upon receipt of any payment, a 7% commission based on all financial transaction you handle, as form of salary..

This will be reviewed and updated based on your work efficiency.

Kindly send below details for consideration, if you are interested in this special offer via this email address below only

francisking1@tiscali.co.uk

(1)Your full names
(2)Contact address
(3)Phone/fax numbers
(4)Your residential address
(5)Your present occupation
(6) Your marital status
(7) Your Age

Thank you for your time.

Very Respectfully,
Mr. Francis King.

Email: francisking1@tiscali.co.uk or francis.king2@caramail.com.

Stay tuned.

Deterrence, Democrat-style

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Deterrence, Democrat-style

Democrats and national security

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Don't question their patriotism
Trusting the national security to Democrats is like trusting a moving car to a four year old, or the management of a vast company to the junior high school business club. Neither the child nor the preteens want to wreck the car or ruin the corporation, but both results are near inevitable.

Fidel Castro photo shop contest

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... is now over.

When Michelle gets back from her vacation, the judging will begin.

8/22 Update: The judging has begun. Stay tuned!

But will it cure my leprosy?

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Boy, that Tuscan Whole Milk is amazing! 685 reviews can't be wrong.

The miracle product!

Hat tip: Shoot A Liberal

Rock the Casbah, Smoke the Kaaba

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Update: for my visitors from php4arabs.net, I offer a little something I picked up somewhere or other online.

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My favorite Frenchman, the dissident frogman, brings us this gem:

Smoke on the Kaaba

I downloaded it in wallpaper size and made it my computer's desktop image!

Rich white suburban gangstas

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Shameless link-whoring

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How long until the guys at LLama Butchers see this post?

llama linkwhore
(AP Photo/Dr. Scott M. Lieberman)

They seem to notice Google referrals. Hmmmm ... perhaps it's time for a new Googlism? How about "llama linkwhore"?

Update: Score!

Castro as Waldo

*** Scroll down for updates ***
*** Bonus points for adding a Lebanon angle! ***

Fidel Castro's been under the radar lately. Nobody's seen or heard from him since he went in for surgery. Now the official word down in Havana is that everything's just fine with El Commandante, but rumors keep circulating that the sneaky old bugger's not at home.

Where is he? That's where you come in, my dear pseudo-paparazzo.

Apply your creativity to come up with Fake-But-Accurate™ photographic proof of Fidel's current location, and you could win fabulous prizes! Vacations! Cruises! Cuban cigars! Universal health care! Rusting 1950s-vintage sedans with huge tailfins!

Well, not really. But I will send the top three entrants Amazon.com gift certificates in the following amounts:

First Place: Second Place: Third Place:
150 bucks 100 bucks 50 bucks
T-shirt with this logo:
Che: still dead
Courtesy of Babalu Blog
T-shirt with this logo:
Che: still dead
Courtesy of Babalu Blog
T-shirt with this logo:
Che: still dead
Courtesy of Babalu Blog

You'll be judged on a combination of creativity, photo shopping skill, and humor. As for how each element is weighted ... who knows? It's completely up to the judges! (I never said this'd be a professionally-run contest!) Their decisions are final.

The judges are: The Puddle Pirate (me), Val Prieto, Kevin Aylward, and Michelle Malkin.

To submit your entry, either post it on your blog and leave a trackback here on this post, or e-mail your entry to photoshop@brainshavings.com. The contest starts now and ends on Saturday, August 12th at 11:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time.

Update: This contest has been shamelessly plugged at Outside The Beltway and Argghhh! You want photo fakery? Watch this space.

Update: Bonus points if you can place Castro somewhere in the middle of the furious photoshopping fighting in Lebanon!

Update: Since my blog was defaced for 3 days, I'm extending the contest until Wednesday night, 11:59 PM.

Entries:


Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Submitted by: [T.B.A.]
 

Ol' Fidel has been hard to spot lately. I think I'll run a photo shopping contest to answer the question of his whereabouts.

Castro as Waldo

Any suggestions for prizes?

Update: Val Prieto has agreed to be a guest judge.

Also, my budget is $300. C'mon, folks ... suggest some prizes!

Update 2: Kevin Aylward just agreed to be a guest judge too.

Update 3: Michelle Malkin will join in the judging.

Chris Muir agrees with me:

Mary Katherine Ham

Mary Katherine Ham is a babe!

It must suck to be Glenn Greenwald

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WuzzaDem completely demolishes the schizophrenically-gifted Glenn Greenwald, a NY Times bestselling author of ... oh, nevermind. I'll let the sockpuppets speak for themselves.

Friday catblogging: Der Furrer

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Long ago, I gathered evidence proving that Spongebob Squarepants is an indisputably heterosexual stud among studs. Well, more proof keeps bubbling to the surface. Steve Price caught this rare photograph and e-mailed it to me the other day:

Spongebob rocks out

Anybody who jams with AC/DC is chock full of testosterone!

How to win by losing

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The Evolution of Dance

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Hilarious!

Hat tip: NixGuy

RINO hunting season

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Shhhhh!

Govern accordingly

I'm hunting big game.

A friend of mine told me about a phone conversation she had today, and I couldn't help but grin. My friend is a conservative Republican, but apparently one of her Democrat friends isn't aware of that. The gullible Dem called my friend and asked her in a worried voice who might be the best candidate to vote for today. Without skipping a beat, my friend sweetly said "I hear good things about Capri Cafaro." The gullible Dem brightened immediately and said "Oh! I just love her! Thanks!"

Here's to Republicans who can wait to laugh until they hang up the phone. Cheers!

Illustrating virtual logic

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The Senate seems determined to ignore public demand for a wall along the entire U.S./Mexican border, and instead proposes various "virtual fences" to stop illegal aliens. To illustrate the "virtual logic" of our senators, I'm going to expand the idea I had yesterday when I posted this graphic ...

Virtual fence
Virtual fence

... and take the "virtual" fad to its logical conclusion:


Virtual army

Virtual navy

Virtual air force

Virtual race car

Virtual prison

Virtual success

Virtual intellectual

Virtual president


Whaddaya think? If anybody else has examples like these, post them and leave a trackback. This could be fun!

--

5/10/2011 Update: Virtual football team!

University of Michigan -- virtual football team

... now comes a report that she can leg-press 400 pounds. Next we'll be reading about how much Janet Reno can curl.

Hat tip: Drudge

Capri Cafaro, a Democratic candidate for Ohio's 13th Congressional District, is the butt of some truly snarky political paraphernalia at the Anybody But Capri Online Shopping Mall. The tote bag made me grin.

Hat tip: Ohio 13 votes

Buzzards return to Hinckley

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Here in Northeast Ohio, Spring has sprung.

Poor Jim Petro

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A lovely photo of Hillary

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If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this photograph ...

Photo by REUTERS/Jason Reed

... starts off with the word "ick."

Stuck on Stupid

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During a press conference today with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, the delightfully blunt Lieutenant General Russel Honore unloaded on panicky and idiotic reporters with a soon-to-be-classic catchphrase: "Stuck on stupid."

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UPDATE: Here's the video of Honore's remarks.

It's just a clump of cells

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If you've been following the embryonic stem cell research debate, then you'll probably be interested in this cartoon that I found ... thanks to Stand To Reason.

Spoof of "Kokomo"

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Ever wondered what happened to all those peacekeeping NATO troops in the Balkans? They're still over there, and they're obviously bored.

Hat tip: Argghhh!

Join the Toy Jihad!

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Special Ops CodyMatt Heidt is right. The jihadis in Iraq are getting desperate for any kind of success. But now they've really begun to circle the drain; they've begun making hostage videos of toy soldiers.

razanne.jpgDo the Jihadi Joe action figures who took John Adam "Special Ops Cody" hostage get 72 Barbie dolls if they die for Allah? Silly me, I meant 72 Razanne dolls (see photo to right), not the blonde-haired Western she-devils.

Of course, you can just take the mercenary's shortcut ... for $644.40 you can buy 72 Razannes and have Paradise on Earth (after about 7 business days for shipping and handling). But the company doesn't ship to Belarus, Indonesia, Liberia, Pakistan, Nigeria, or Romania ... so if you're plotting Toy Jihad© there, you'll just have to blow your plastic self up at a Barbie Fashion Show Mall.

Speaking of ridiculous jihadis (yes, yes, I know it's redundant), do you remember Evil Bert appearing with Osama?

Evil Bert

Click on the unaltered (I swear!) picture below for all the background info.

Your Sesame Streets will run with the blood of infidels!

Too funny. I sense a photoshopping contest approaching ...

--

UPDATE: Save Elmo!

UPDATE 2: When will it end? Oh, the humanity ...

UPDATE 3: At least we caught Osama, so we've got that goin' for us. Which is nice.

UPDATE 4: The blogosphere gutted this farce in short order. I love this hobby.

UPDATE 5: The geniuses at Democratic Underground took the bait ... hook, line, and sinker.

You call that "cold"?

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A certain blogger in the Carolinas is remarking on the frigid temperatures down there, where it actually dropped below freezing. Awwww, poor guy.

Turnabout offends prickly homosexuals

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College Republicans at the University of Central Oklahoma plan on celebrating a Straight Pride Week:

"The general gist is that if you are a straight student on campus be proud, be loud, this is your time to shine," said college Republican Kyle Houts.

The group has posted fliers on campus that read, "we're here, we're conservative, we're out."

Members of the Gay Alliance for Tolerance and Equality say they consider the College Republican's celebration an attack on gay and lesbian students.

"What is there to say about it, 'I'm proud, and I'm straight and I guess white,' I don't know?" said GATE member Jennifer Rodriguez. "I think they definitely are being discriminatory because there's probably a lot of gay Republicans out there."

How very intolerant and non-diverse of you, Ms. Rodriguez.

Hat tip: Backcountry Conservative

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UPDATE: BuckeyePundit mirrors my own sentiments nicely, and The Open End calls for College Republicans at Ohio State to follow the Oklahoma group's example.

Mah na! Mah na!

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Turn up your volume knob, visit the dissident frogman, and click on the red button sitting on the Kansas-Colorado border.

This Frenchman's my kinda guy.

Bill of Rights v2.0

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Barking Moonbat Early Warning System has an updated version of the Bill of Rights.

SpongeBob SquarePants is a manly sponge

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Can we all stop fussing over SpongeBob SquarePants and his alleged dalliances with Patrick the Starfish or other male toons, please?

SpongeBob is a manly sponge

He's a manly sponge, and definitely not gay. If you have further photoshopped evidence of this, please send it my way (me at brainshavings dot com) and I'll post it here.

Say what you like, but that's hilarious

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This fake VW ad lampooning a hapless suicide bomber made me grin. Anytime we ridicule terrorists, I'll join in the laughter.

JibJab is back

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Theyyyy're baaaack! Go see Jib Jab's Second Term for a good chuckle.

JibJab

And yes, Hillary slaps Bill in this one, too.

The second half of tonight's game between the Orlando Magic and the Detroit Pistons was delayed when a seeing-eye dog left a deposit on the court:

The dog was with a charity organization, Canine Companions for Independence, that was receiving a $10,000 donation from the Orlando Magic Youth Foundation.

When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.

Maybe the pooch was a Pacers fan.

The Dear Leader says ...

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"Even though I'm nowhere to be found, Blog is ubiquitous. All loyal socialists should read Comrade Hugh's book to strengthen their Juche spirit."

Blog swarm rising

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I just speculated on the faint rumblings of a blog swarm, but I never expected this.

At this point, I'll defer to Technorati and Memeorandum to track this.

Get moving, Congressman Conyers. That buzzing sound you hear is getting louder, and it ain't friendly.

Give Blog a chance

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Rumors continued to circulate today, suggesting that a nationally syndicated talk radio host and would-be bestselling author had infiltrated the crowd at an anti-war rally in Key West recently. ProtestWarrior denied any involvement in the stunt, seen here in a photograph e-mailed to Brain Shavings by a very reliable source.

Impeachapalooza 2005

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Soon, the 109th Congress will convene for its first session. This time around the Democrats have lost even more seats, and if there's one thing that ticks off a Democrat politician it's losing power. Worse yet, they still seem to think that their message of wacko leftism just didn't get through to the voting public, and that President Bush and the Republicans somehow stole the election.

Democrat outrage is nothing if not predictable, and it's no great stretch to expect petty little snit fits on the floor of Congress once it's back in session. Come to think of it, can calls for impeaching the president be far away? I think not. Which can mean only one thing.

It's contest time!

Be the first to predict the Democrats' calls for political vengeance against President Bush, and you can win expensive and gaudy prizes. That is, if you define "expensive and gaudy" as "affordable by the amateur blogger running this site." Here are the categories and prizes:

  1. Date of first call for President Bush's impeachment: _________ (Prize: a Blogshares portfolio consisting of 5,000 shares of Brain Shavings and 5000 shares of The Buckeye Bloggers)
    Bonus -- Representative making that first call: _________ (Prize: $10 Amazon.com gift certificate)
  2. Date of first article of impeachment referred to House Judiciary Committee: _________ (Prize: a copy of Blog, by Hugh Hewitt)
    Bonus -- First sponsor of this article: _________ (Prize: $50 Amazon.com gift certificate)
  3. Date of first article of impeachment to get a House Judiciary Committee vote: _________ (Prize: a copy of Right Turns, by Michael Medved)
    Bonus -- First sponsor of this article: _________ (Prize: $50 Amazon.com gift certificate)
    Bonus -- Committee vote tally (yea/nay): _____/_____ (Prize: $50 Amazon.com gift certificate)
    Bonus -- Number of Republicans voting "yea" (non-zero guesses only): _____ (Prize: $50 Amazon.com gift certificate)
  4. Date of first article of impeachment to reach House floor: _________ (Prize: a copy of Scalia Dissents, by Kevin A. Ring)
    Bonus -- First sponsor of this article: _________ (Prize: $75 Amazon.com gift certificate)
    Bonus -- House vote tally (yea/nay): _____/_____ (Prize: $100 Amazon.com gift certificate)
    Bonus -- Number of Republicans voting "yea" (non-zero guesses only): _____ (Prize: $100 Amazon.com gift certificate)

Contest Rules:

2005 Dead Pool picks

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Well, the annual morbidity derby is underway at Lawrence Simon's blog. Here's my list of picks:

NameBirthdateOccupation
Iyad Allawi1945Interim Iraqi Prime Minister
Fidel CastroAugust 13, 1926Dictator
Gerald FordJuly 14, 1913Former President
Paul HarveySeptember 4, 1918Radio broadcaster
Whitney HoustonAugust 9, 1963Pop singer
Kim Jong-IlFebruary 16, 1942Dictator
Christopher LeeMay 27, 1922Actor
Art ModellJune 23, 1925Former NFL team owner
Pervez MusharrafAugust 11, 1943Dictator
Mary-Kate OlsenJune 13, 1986Actress
Dan RatherOctober 31, 1931TV news anchor
Glenn Reynolds August 27, 1960Law professor, blogger, puppy-blending hobo-killing robot dancer
Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II)May 18, 1920Pope
Viktor YuschenkoFebruary 23, 1954Ukrainian politician
Abu Musab al-ZarqawiOctober 30, 1966Terrorist

Did you submit your picks this time around?

Dead Pool 2005, T minus 140 minutes

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The Dead Pool is still taking picks for the 2005 contest, so if you blog and you have a ghoulish side, go turn in a roster. I'll post mine as soon as the ball drops, so you can't steal my surefire winners.

You've been warned

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Sharp As A Marble offers advice to parents who discover white powder on their child's clothing after the prom.

Bunny theater

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At last, someone's created an animated version of It's a Wonderful Life. In thirty seconds. With bunnies.

The 2005 Dead Pool

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Have you submitted your picks yet? I just did. You have until December 31st, so go get in line for some nifty swag.

ACLU Alert System

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ACLU Alert System

Hat tip: Drink This ...

For the cell phone shouter

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Print out a copy of Shhh, cut along the dotted lines, and be ready the next time an obnoxious cell phone user starts telling his doctor about the size of his goiter while standing in the checkout line.

What is your name? What is your quest?

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Save a defenseless kitten

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She Who Will Be Obeyed rides to the rescue of endangered kittens everywhere ... or at least in the northern midwest states.

In praise of Roger L. Simon

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Gina GershonThere's a blogger named Roger L. Simon whose site you should visit often. Why? Because his writing makes your brain cells multiply, your wrinkles smooth out, and your gray hair dark.

Roger L. Simon may soon be recognized as the blogosphere's Best Essayist of 2004, an award he clearly deserves. After all, Roger L. Simon honed his craft by writing screenplays and several best-selling books. Roger L. Simon is even a director. How many bloggers can claim that, eh?

I have it on good authority from well-informed but unnamed sources that Gina Gershon is hopelessly in love with Roger L. Simon ... but you didn't hear that from me. I wish I were Roger L. Simon, come to think of it.

So remember, faithful readers, visit Roger L. Simon every day, and twice on Sundays.

I want to assure everyone that my admiration for Roger L. Simon is as pure as the wind-driven snow, and not motivated by his Spirit of America Blogger Challenge fundraising efforts ... which, if combined with ours, would handily spank the Northern Alliance like the gaggle of redheaded stepchildren they are.

I'm sure that if the great Roger L. Simon were to join the Fighting Fusileers, it would be due entirely to his finely-developed sense for doing the right thing, and not due to any shameless brown-nosing by a third-rate blogger.

Roger, how do you like the sound of "Roger L. Simon's Fighting Fusileers for Freedom"? It sounds catchy to me.

Oh, and while you're here click the button and help a wonderful cause.

FOI Blogger Challenge

As if blending puppies wasn't enough

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Is there no depth to which a certain well-known blogger won't sink in an effort to pad the donation totals for the dastardly Northern Alliance? Leave the cute fuzzy kittens out of this, you scoundrels!

Save the kittens and donate here.

Friends of Iraq Blogger Challenge

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In the spirit of Christmas, I bring you an opportunity to help a charity that both Left and Right can support, as described by Dean Esmay:

FOI Blogger ChallengeA non-profit, non-government group called Spirit of America has been working tirelessly for the last two years to try to help our fighting forces over there do more than fight. When those in our military have a project they'd like to work on to help the people of Iraq and Afghanistan, Spirit of America tries to make it happen for them.

Helping bring medical supplies and crop seeds to Afghanistan. Tools and training to help Iraqis who want to become tradesmen. Distributing schoolbooks. Even helping people set up Arabic-language weblogs so they can begin exploring the amazing world of the New Media.

It's all entirely voluntary, and done without any government subsidy. But if any group of soldiers, marines, airmen, or sailors want to do something to help the people over there, the Spirit of America tries to make it happen.

Because ultimately, whether you thought going was the right thing or the wrong thing, isn't trying to create peace and friendship something we should all hope to see happen?

A group of webloggers, humorously dubbing ourselves the "fighting fusileers for freedom" are holding a fundraising drive for the next two weeks to help the Spirit of America folks out. I'm a member of that group, and I encourage you to donate to the Spirit of America here.

Here's the list of my teammates:

A note to my fellow Fighting Fusileers: OK, I admit I was a naughty blogger and procrastinated in linking to the inaugural fundraising post at Argghhh! or the sophomore effort at Dean's World. As penance, I offer these often-smart-alecky graphics to help raise funds and taunt the opposition.

Autorantic Virtual Moonbat

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Sean Gleeson is a genius. He's finally duplicated the reasoning processes of lefty moonbats. Here it is ... the Autorantic Virtual Moonbat:

Does Bill know about this?

Hat Tip: Pirate's Cove

OK, allow me one lil' gloat

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Click the red button at the top of The Dissident Frogman's blog. The one on the map. Because you should never, ever push the one on the upper left.

Oorah!

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Red and blue provinces

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Western Standard offers "A Canadian guide for American exiles." Give it a look, Chet.

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UPDATE: More advice.

Now we's gonna git them libruls

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Aw, shucks. Here we've gone 'n won the 'lection, and somebody done already let the cat outta the bag. Cain't nobody keep secrets no more?

May the wind be always at your front

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See ya, Bobby!

New radio ads, old debate audio

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This is a four-alarm spew alert. You've been warned.

What Kerry really stands for

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Enjoy the John Kerry Interpretive Campaign web page.

Hat tip: Wizbang!

The Hip-Hop Debate

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The money walk earned my vote.

Paging Dr. Freud

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While checking my referrer logs I discovered that this site is #1 on Yahoo Search for the term "Bush is a butt pirate." It's a safe bet that the searcher was disappointed with my political outlook.

He did stick around for almost three minutes, though.

Humorous Howard

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He has his faults, but at least Howard Dean can laugh at himself.

The Ant and The Grasshopper

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Just got this in the ol' e-mail inbox. It's a well-circulated retelling of an old fable, but it's still funny.

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Classic version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building His house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Moral: Be responsible for yourself!

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Modern version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he and other unfortunate grasshoppers are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, ABC, and CNN (FOX was noticeable by their absence) show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing a duet version of "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the above media film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

Senator Tom Daschle and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi exclaim in an interview with ABC's Peter Jennings (a Canadian) that ants have gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and both call for an immediate tax hike on ants to make them pay their "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," which Congress passes with a veto-proof majority and makes it retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Senator Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that ex-President Bill Clinton appointed from a list of socialist-leaning, wealth-redistributing attorneys. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant disappears in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Moral: Vote Republican

That's why we call him The Silky Pony

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A classic putdown

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The Akron Repository reports the results of a meeting last year between former Cleveland Browns player and current announcer Doug Dieken, and former Browns owner and current fan piñata Art Modell, during the Browns' final game against Modell. Here's the money quote from Dieken:

Art said, "Oh, so you've come to see me before you can pee on my grave?" I told him, "Art, I've lived a long time and played a lot of years. I refuse to stand in line to do anything anymore."

I love Deek's way with words.

Hat tip: Ace Davis

You remember "This Land." That wasn't a question, it was a statement of fact. Everyone on Earth has seen the parody cartoon with a dancing and singing President Dubya facing off against Senator J-F'n-K about 4.6 times by now, and we all have the Pepsi-encrusted nostril hairs to prove it.

Well, the guys at JibJab went and released a sequel tonight. Go watch "Good To Be In D.C."

Who are these women?

Can somebody clue me in to the identity of the two "nurses" flanking the Lecher-In-Chief? Is the one on the left Daryn Kagan, Rush Limbaugh's new squeeze?

Breaking news from Tikrit

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A British reporter scoops the competition by interviewing leading Baathists near Tikrit.

Hat tip: The Dark Citadel

Black William Rackham and his crew at the Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrking Moonbat Early Warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrning System just dug up a real treasure.

The Pirate in Chief

Well, blow me down! I be a Bush buccaneer t' begin with, but this be makin' me want t' put ashore in San Francisco t' pillage, plunder, an' play country music at ear-bleedin' volume 'til those lily-livered mincing pansies beg to change their voter registration.

Away boarders!

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Here be some o' this pirate's favorite blogs. Ye'd be wise to pay a call on 'em.

Now git!

Fill yer gizzard with grub

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If yer gonna take yer trusty wench out fer grub t'night, here be a tip from a wise ol' seadog. Long John Silver's be celebrating "Talk Like A Pirate Day" today. When ye order like a pirate, ye gets to much on yer vittles at a hearty discount!

Aye, it all be fun 'n games ...

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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Ahoy matey! I haven't seen ye in a while. What happened? Ye look terrible!"

"What d'ye mean? I be fine", says the pirate.

"What about that wooden leg? Ye didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "we's in a terrible bad battle at sea, and along comes a cannon ball a-flyin' at me 'n and takes off me leg at the knee ... but here the doc comes along and fixes me up. I be fine now."

"Aye, ye don't say? Well what 'bout that there hook? The last time I seen ye, ye had both hands."

"It's like this, barkeep. We's in another battle, and we boards the enemy ship. I be in a right nasty cutlass duel, and the other cap'n he gets rude. He up 'n whacks off me hand before I lops off his ugly noggin. Lucky fer me, along comes the doc again 'n fixes me up wi' this here hook. I be feelin' right strong again, ye land-lubbin' rum-sligin' dog."

"Aye," says the bartender, "but what about that eye patch? The last time ye dragged yer sorry carcass in here ye had both eyes."

"Shiver me timbers! Ye ask a million questions. A few days later we's headin' fer home, an' as I be standin' on the quarterdeck I see some gulls a-circlin' o'er the ship. I look up, and wouldn't ye know it but one o' the flyin' fleabags up 'n craps in me eye."

"Yer a lyin' thief and a stumblin' drunk," says the bartender, "ye couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Arrrr, ye son of a bowlegged cabin boy! I wasn't used to the hook yet."

Sing a wee chantey

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Ye've doubtless heard that so-called pirate tune from that foolish talkin' picture, but here be new lyrics to tickle yer funnybone. Ye can buy a copy here.

Break open yon treasure chest!

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No seagoin' scalawag or wave-skimmin' wench would dare board a true pirate ship without lookin' the part. If ye be worth yer salt, get yer official Talk Like A Pirate Day booty here.

Arrrr, no more gawkin' ... hand over yer doubloons and git yerselves kitted out. We be gettin' underway in two shakes of a parrot's tailfeathers!

What be yer Pirate Name?

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Today ye scurvy dogs kin call me Bloody Tom Vane. What be yer Pirate Name?

Arrrrrrrrr!

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Avast all the chatterin' 'bout politics! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. There'll be no plain English spoken aboard this vessel today. If ye want t' flap yer scurvy gums an' leave a comment on any o' me posts, ye'd better do a passable impersonation o' a buccaneer, or I'll keelhaul ye.

Here's what I'll be a-typin' on t'day.

Pirate Keyboard

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Get ready

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Tomorrow be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and this here blog's a-gonna celebrate it!

Forward battery, surface action to starboard

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I decided to create a Blogger account tonight, and tried to set up a predictable account name. Imagine my surprise to find that brainshavings.blogspot.com was already taken. The impudent and drunken pretender shall be crushed. Away all boarding parties!

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UPDATE: I'm not the only one.

Debate prep

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With the debates coming soon in the presidential race, I thought that a modern Devil's Dictionary might come in handy for on-the-fly translation of the pablum coming out of John Kerry's mouth.

There's also my handy Kerry Lexicon, in three volumes.

This post has merged into today's Beltway Traffic Jam

I concede

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This is the definitive forgery funnies roundup.

Forgery funnies

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Liar Liar

Right Wing News has "The Memo George Bush Doesn't Want You To See"

The Commissar has proof that Kerry was in Cambodia.

ScrappleFace unearths more evidence of Bush perfidy.

Wizbang cribs a photoshopped Dan Rather from Minion of the Great Satan (for the original Baghdad Bob ... a.k.a. "Comical Ali" ... see here). Also see their spoof of Mr. Clipit.

IMAO unearths another memo.

Day By Day slings a beer pun.

Allah issues a comedy fatwa against Dan Rather's paltry band of brothers.

Expect more very soon from Cox & Forkum.

--

UPDATE: 9/12 bump to the top.

You can have my gun ...

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... when you pry it from my cold, dead paw.

Exposed: Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

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I always knew in my gut that Karl Rove was behind the SwiftVets. The truth is out there.

Hat tip: Chrenkoff

The robot bartender

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Here's a joke that landed in my inbox today.


A man walks into a bar and finds that the bartender is a robot. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him his IQ. The man replies that his score is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere.

Impressed, the man decides to find out what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. He leaves the bar, comes right back in and orders a drink. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the man tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

The man repeats the experiment one last time. When he comes back in for a third time and orders a drink, he tells the robot that his IQ is 50. The robot replies: "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Kerry?"

Apologies to Kipling

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A Rudyard Kipling parody skewers John Kerry ... brought to you by the guys at Fraters Libertas (a.k.a. the "soft underbelly" of the Northern Alliance).

I wonder if it hit the fan first?

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If you've ever thought that loudmouth lefty rock stars were full of crap, you may be right.

Hat tip: Drudge

Daddy, make the mean Swiftees stop!

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Boo-hoo-hoo!

Boredom and tazers don't mix

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A man home alone. His wife's new tazer loaded with fresh batteries. Woodley the dog nearby, blissfully ignorant. Read the rest, but put down your drink first.

Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh

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Click to read more

Long overdue parody

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The definition of "served together" ...

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... according to John Kerry:

Nope, can't tell what the next guy's doing.  Too far away.  Sorry.

Brought to you courtesy of BlackFive.

--

UPDATE: Here's my contribution, this time from a Coast Guard Port Security Unit perspective.

Nope, can't tell what the next guy's doing.  Too far away.  Sorry.

Pretty relevant, huh?

--

UPDATE 2: One more.

Moonbats in Cleveland

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Good gravy! The moonbats gathered in Cleveland this weekend, and I wasn't there to hassle them! If I'd only known, I'd have had a chance to ridicule Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Fisher Stevens, Julianna Margulies and Chad Lowe in person. I'm so disappointed.

Stevens identified himself as a Kerry supporter. But he said it is wrong to assume everyone in Hollywood is a liberal Democrat.

"The irony is you can look to the governor's mansion in California now and a former president from California to understand that actors are not all liberal, far from it.

Refuting this one's such an obvious slam dunk that I won't insult your intelligence by hanging on the rim.

They (Bush supporters) love to label Hollywood liberal. All I'm trying to say here is, 'Hey, let's wake up, let's take responsibility for the country.'"

I love being lectured on personal responsibility by a loon who supports the party of libertines.

Stevens said he has come to realize that Ohio may play a crucial role in the election.

Sharp as a beach ball, this one. He sure does encourage the "all actors are smart" stereotype that I keep hearing about.

"I don't pretend to tell Ohioans what to do and who to vote for," Stevens said. "I just want to raise money for this organization. It's not only about money, it's about awareness."

Translation: "My intelligence may rival that of a sea cucumber, but I look pretty and I'm famous. I'll just raise money so the lawyers and the lobbyists can tell Ohioans what to do and who to vote for."

[An organizer] said some of those who were featured at the fund-raisers Saturday night may return in September for an Ohio bus tour.

Oh, please. Please come back. I promise I'll be gentle.

How to tell if someone is a terrorist

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As the Alliance of Free Blogs commands, so shall they receive. What follows is my preliminary list of things to look for when profiling suspects for terrorist tendencies:

  • Habitually whispers "ka-boom!" while cackling with glassy-eyed glee
  • Wears a kaffiyeh under a yarmulke
  • Can't resist the urge to throw rocks at armored cars
  • Plans to vote for "Iraq Osama" for Illinois Senator
  • Drives a Volvo with a cute yellow "Bomber On Board" window sign
  • Drives a Volvo with a "Bin Laden/Al Sadr '04" bumper sticker
  • Drives a Volvo
  • Is found on this blogroll

Kerry in Michigan: "Go Buckeyes!"

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I'd heard John Kerry recently stuck his foot in his mouth by claiming to be a Buckeye fan while speaking to a crowd in Michigan, but only found the proof just now. What a pandering dimwit.

Go Bucks!

Hat tip: Jim Geraghty at The Kerry Spot

Report this, punk.

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Shirley Temple
Waffles

Theme songs for Sandy Berger

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"Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" - Chris Isaak
"Back On The Chain Gang" - The Pretenders
"Been Caught Stealing" - Jane's Addiction
"Burger Man" - ZZ Top
"Chain Gang" - Sam Cooke
"Criminal" - Fiona Apple
"Desperado" - The Eagles
"Have Mercy On The Criminal" - Elton John
"Hot Pants" - James Brown
"I Got Ants In My Pants" - James Brown
"If I Could Just Get It On Paper" - Jimmy Buffett
"Lies" - Thompson Twins
"Little Lies" - Fleetwood Mac
"Party In My Pants" - Speaker Junkies
"Sacrificial Lamb" - Warren Zevon
"Sandy" - John Travolta
"Scumbag" - Green Day
"Secret Agent Man" - Johnny Rivers
"Semi-True Story" - Jimmy Buffett
"Shredding The Document" - John Hiatt
"Smooth Criminal" - Michael Jackson
"Sock It To Me" - Funk Masters
"Somebody's Watching Me" - Rockwell
"The Camera Never Lies" - Elton John
"Tijuana Jail" - The Kingston Trio
"Why'd You Lie To Me" - Anastacia
"Would I Lie To You?" - The Eurythmics
"Your Socks Don't Match" - Fats Waller

CAIR would approve

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Ever wonder how those 14 Syrians on NWA flight 327 felt? Rubber-legged.

Two-hit wonders

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Suggested sophomore efforts for those "where-are-they-now?" musical acts.

This little animation from Jib Jab ought to tickle everybody's political funnybone.

Michael Moore's Theme Song

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As per orders, here are my suggestions for Michael Moore's Theme Song.

  • "Fat" by Weird Al Yankovic
  • "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic
  • "Food Glorious Food" (from "Oliver")
  • "Junkfood Junkie" by Larry Groce
  • "I'm A Spam Eating Homo" by Blah

Very non-lame excuse for late entry: I was out having dinner with a beautiful woman. Neener neener neener.

Move over, Weird Al ...

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... Meryl Yourish wants your job.

You don't know Tiger Hand?

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Put down your drink before reading this.

Hat tip: A Small Victory

Queer Eye for the Dictator Guy

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Before ...

Saddam, filthy fugitive

... and after.

Saddam, dapper defendant

Got a boss who loves to play practical jokes on you? Revenge is sweet.

Hat tip: Wizbang

A high schooler with guts

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Bryan Henderson of Princeton High School in Princeton, West Virginia got fed up with leftist teachers browbeating him, so he exercised his freedom of expression. Good thing he's a tough kid, because the leftists were not amused with his politically incorrect views. Hat tip to the ever-clever (and doggone attractive) Whomping Willow on this story.

I wonder if Bryan's inquisitors used the cut-n-paste leftist Screed-O-Matic demonstrated over at Protein Wisdom?

Blah blah right-wing Rumsfeld warmonger chickenhawk evil Bushies Wolfowitz and his neocon cabal for oiloiloiloiloiloil blah blah ignorant stupid bloodthirsty morons, the real axis of evil on a ranch in Crawford and blah blah blah no WMD he lied, Bushitler lied, people died died died tie-dyed peace peace peace down with the Zionists! peace peace Kyoto! they hate us they hate us they hate us and what can we do and root causes and root causes and blowback and Plame and Plame and Chalabi Plame Wilson blah blah blah unilateral multinational Halliburton Enronism crony capitalism and it's all about oiloiloiloil blah blah blah

Hmmm ... looks vaguely familiar ...

The First Terrorist Olympiad

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The Alliance wonders "What events will be featured in the Terrorist Olympics?" My predictions for a few events we might see:

  • Synchronized Car Swarming
  • Circular Firing Squad
  • Ululation Marathon
  • 400 Meter Wife Beating Relay
  • Molotov Cocktail Shotput
  • Jihadi Biathlon (5 km tunnel crawl & suicide pizzeria attack)
  • 100 Meter Hellfire Missile Evasion
  • Bomb Vest Powerlifting
  • Bulldozer Diving
  • Foot Marksmanship

I knew it!

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I've always called Chihuahuas "barking rats." Turns out I was right.

The Kerry Lexicon, Volume III

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Volume I and Volume II were pretty comprehensive, but Waffles just keeps giving me new material. Here goes Volume III of the Kerry Lexicon ... translating Democrat Newspeak in the public interest.

Flip
What Waffles Says:
Flop
What Waffles Means:
"I'm still reviewing the issue." "I've realized you're paying attention to my record. Stop it!"
"We should not be opening firehouses in Baghdad and shutting them in the United States of America." "I'll hike taxes and domestic spending while cutting the defense budget, and I'll restrict our military operations to UN-approved interventions where America has no national interest at stake."
"It will not be like Vietnam. I will get our troops home from Iraq with honor and with the interests of our country entirely protected." "Run away! Run awaaaaaay!"
"I'm not going to tell you we won't shift deployments from one place to another, but we're not going to be engaged in an active kind of death zone the way we are today." "We're tucking tail and running as soon as possible. My version of war will involve cruise missiles and smart bombs from 15,000 feet, and no boots on the ground. Hey, it did wonders in Kosovo, right?"
"We deserve a president of the United States who doesn't make homeland security a photo opportunity and the rhetoric of a campaign." "Vote Bush."
"We deserve a president who puts American taxpayer dollars where the need is, not just where the ideology wants it to go." "Vote Bush."
"We deserve a president who makes America safer." "Vote Bush."
"If you elect me president of the United States, I will give us a foreign policy that absolutely makes it unnecessary to have a draft in this nation." "If you elect me president of the United States, we'll all be dhimmis."
"I believe I could sit down with foreign leaders at a level of trust that would allow us to begin an entirely new dialogue." "I will osculate posteriors all over the UN."
"We believe it is right to start the general election on the same day as our opponents, and we will continue to explore every possible way to level the playing field against the Republicans' five-week advantage." "We screwed up when we scheduled our convention, so we're gonna sue our way to victory like Al Gore did."
"We also believe it is right to accept the nomination in Boston, and are looking forward to it with excitement, energy and enthusiasm." "Teddy took me behind the woodshed when he found out about my accept-it-later idea."
"On Thursday, July 29, with great pride, I will accept my party's nomination for president in the city of Boston." "McAuliffe, you scheduling moron, you are GONE."
"I intend to rely on the grass-roots army which has already brought us so far beyond anyone's expectations" "Howard, please help. Yeeeeeeargh!"
"It's important to stay the course but if the course you're on is the wrong course and it's heading for the shoals, it's pretty smart to turn the rudder and change course. Staying the course is one thing, but if it's the wrong course, it's not a sign of strength, it's a sign of reckless stubbornness." "Somebody cut to a commercial or something. I've lost my place."
"From the moment I take office, I will stand up to the special interests and stand with hardworking families so that we can give America back its future and its ideals." "Until I take office, feel free to write me nice, fat checks."

Keep your head down

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You've gotta love Warsaw cops.

Wonder what GROM's guys are like?

Gotta love those lefty Brits. Here's al-Guardian yammering again about gullible neoconservative boogeymen leading us all to disaster:

An urgent investigation has been launched in Washington into whether Iran played a role in manipulating the US into the Iraq war by passing on bogus intelligence through Ahmad Chalabi's Iraqi National Congress, it emerged yesterday.

Some intelligence officials now believe that Iran used the hawks in the Pentagon and the White House to get rid of a hostile neighbour, and pave the way for a Shia-ruled Iraq.

...

Larry Johnson, a former senior counter-terrorist official at the state department, said: "When the story ultimately comes out we'll see that Iran has run one of the most masterful intelligence operations in history. They persuaded the US and Britain to dispose of its greatest enemy."

So lemme see if I've got this straight. Iran, looking next door to the east in late 2001 and seeing US forces running roughshod over Afghanistan, decides that having hostile troops on one side just isn't enough? I can imagine the conversation between the mullahs back then ...

Omar: "Our economy sucks and our people hate us. We need a new way to screw with The Great Satan to demonstrate the superiority of the Islamic Republic."

Abdul: "Their troops are just over those hills there, in Afghanistan. We could call them names over a loudspeaker or something."

Omar: "Yes, but there are only a few thousand foreign devils there. Think big."

Mohammed: "Saddam's been giving them headaches since '91. Why not get the infidels to invade Iraq? Then we can watch to see who wins, and pick off the loser later."

Omar: "Brilliant! We'll cleverly surround ourselves with hundreds of thousands of hostile troops from the world's only superpower, complete with swarms of high-tech aircraft and a few carrier battle groups off the coast. They will cower in fear at our terrifying longwinded speeches. At the same time, we'll brutally repress our own people and hold a rigged parliamentary election in 2004, without any fear of a popular uprising. How can we lose?"

Jamil: "Don't forget the WMDs, O Glorious Leader."

Omar: "Silly me! Of course, we mustn't forget to step up our efforts to build an IslamoNuke factory, so we can turn the Zionist Entity into a smoking crater. They'll never strike first, the fools."

Latifah: "Phone call, O Great Turbaned One. Ahmed Chalabi on line three."

Omar: "Put him through. Oh, be a dear and make sure that Moqtada Al-Sadr gets a copy of our minutes ... he'll be our point man in the glorious defeat of the Great Satan's pitiful army, so he needs to be in on our clever schemes. I've gotta take this call, fellas. Let's meet again tomorrow, so we can discuss our secret plan to install a laser beam on the Moon. Inshallah."

To get some real perspective on just how unsteady the mullahcracy in Iran is these days, read Michael Ledeen's latest over at NRO. (Hat tip: LGF)

Here's the proposed USAF camouflage utility uniform ...

Blue tiger stripes

... and here's Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi arriving in Brussels on April 27th with his Grrrrl Squad.

Photo by European Commission/Reuters

Need I say more?

--

UPDATE: OK, I have to pass this joke on. Hat tip to John of Castle Argghhh!

Andy Kaufman is dead, folks

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Contrary to a recent gag press release and an accompanying blog named Andy Kaufman Returns, famous decomposing comedian Andy Kaufman is not returning to the public eye. Not in the flesh, at any rate.

If you don't believe me, check Snopes. Can we all please stop breathlessly blogging about his return now?

Dammit, somebody squealed!

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How am I supposed to explain this to my Zionist masters? Heads will be festooned with panties, I swear it!

Hat tip: Castle Argghhh!

Separated at birth?

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Spotted venting its blowhole at Cannes:

Michael Moore

... and spotted later in a hotel pool:

Manatee Moore

Coincidence?

The Kerry Lexicon, Volume II

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Volume I just wasn't enough. As a public service, the Kerry Lexicon expands today to include other examples of Kerryspeak you'll hear in the upcoming debates.

This way!
What Waffles Says:
No, this way!
What Waffles Means:
"The use of force must be combined with a diplomatic strategy that will work." "When confronted by an enemy, I'll yammer and posture and bloviate until they die laughing."
"We must remove the Made in America label from the Iraqi occupation." "The label we need is Nous nous rendons! Veuillez ne pas nous blesser."
"I'll pre-empt where necessary." "I'll pre-emptively attack another nation when monkeys fly out of my butt."
"My plan calls for no new spending without cutbacks to pay for that spending." "Hey, Armed Forces: you warmongering devils can do without shoes for a year or two, right?"
"I think government needs to fulfill a duty to help people succeed." "Hands up. Now hand over your wallet. Slowly."
"I will stand up to the special interests and stand with hardworking families so that we can give America back its future and its ideals." "Hey, Soros: I'm yours, cheap!"
"I will stand with hardworking families so that we can give America back its future and its ideals." "Let's go back to the Naughty Nineties! Bring me chubby interns!"
"As president, I will put American government and our legal system back on the side of women." "I'll use your tax dollars to pay for abortion-on-demand, and I'll only appoint judges who genuflect toward icons of Harry Blackmun."
"George Bush owes America an explanation about whether or not he showed up for duty in the National Guard." "Stop dissecting the flip-flops I've made on my military career and my voting record on defense."
"They [ABC News] are doing the work of the Republican National Committee." "I dissed Charlie Gibson and he nailed me to the wall."
"In the end, America is safer and stronger when it is respected around the world, not feared." "I'll grovel before our enemies in the hope that they'll attack us last."
"... drastic Republican cuts in Medicare and Medicaid and the Earned Income Tax Credit." "... Republican increases in Medicare and Medicaid and the Earned Income Tax Credit that didn't reach the criminally irresponsponsible levels I wanted."
"So much of what I know about being an American I learned in Vietnam. I didn't have to go, but the tug of duty and country compelled me." "I needed a wartime PT boat story to measure up to the first JFK."
"I will cut waste and abuse out of our health care system by giving incentives for smarter more efficient systems." "I'll shuffle money from one bureaucracy to another."
"My education plan will invest more in our public schools and expect more from them in return." "I'll bloat the Department of Education so fast that Teddy Kennedy will call for restraint, and I'll tell the teachers' unions to put out a press release calling for nebulous standards that we'll never enforce."

--

UPDATE: Volume III is up

Is my Pre10tious Twitdom in peril?

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Hat tip: Electric Venom

If Kuro5hin dies, will I no longer be a Pre10tious Twit?

 

Pre10tious Twit
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The Kerry Lexicon, Volume I

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I'm providing this handy translation sheet in eager anticipation of the Bush/Kerry debates.

This way!
What Waffles Says:
No, this way!
What Waffles Means:
"I will return to the U.N. and formally rejoin the community of nations.""I will go hat-in-hand to the French, the Russians, and the Chinese, promising to ask their permission the next time America needs to defend itself from attack ... if only they'll invite me to their cocktail parties again."
"We need a plan.""I haven't got a plan of my own, but I'll distract you by criticizing any plan that Bush offers."
"The way the president went to war is a mistake.""Bush pissed off people who profited from the UN's Oil-For-Saddam's-Palaces scam. The big poopie head."
"They're questioning my patriotism.""They're asking me to reconcile my simultaneous shame for my 'war crimes' in Vietnam with my constant crowing about my four-month tour of duty there."
"They're questioning my patriotism.""They're asking me why I voted to cancel the funding for the MX missile, the B-1 bomber, the Tomahawk missile, the Apache helicopter, the Patriot missile, the Harrier jet and the F-15 fighter."
"They're questioning my patriotism.""They're running an ad criticizing my twenty-year voting record on defense."
"They're questioning my patriotism."They're asking me which of my many stories really explains why I threw away my military decorations at an anti-war protest in 1971."
"They're questioning my patriotism.""They're criticizing me and I can't think of a way to refute them at the moment."
"This election is about the future.""Stop looking at my past voting record, my speeches, my interviews, my statements, my writings ..."
"The president didn't build a legitimate coalition.""Thirty-six countries isn't a coalition unless it includes France, Germany, and Belgium."
"quagmire""momentary pause between American combat victories"
"Iraq had nothing to do with al-Qaeda.""Iraqi officials had high-level meetings with Al Qaeda leaders, trained Islamists how to hijack planes, gave cash incentives to suicide bombers, harbored internationally-wanted high-profile terrorists, and even shared a common primary enemy (America) ... but nobody can show me a formal treaty signed by Osama and Saddam."
"I will build alliances and cooperation.""I will suck up to my European betters."
"I support the troops.""I talk alot about supporting the troops, but I don't actually visit them or vote for funds to resupply them."
"I will make this country and our economy stronger by restoring fiscal responsibility.""I will piggyback on the boom from the Bush tax cuts while taxing the bat crap out of you."
"George Bush's big, big, big tax cut for the rich.""George Bush's tax cut which reduced the size of my bite into your earnings from 'great white shark' to 'tiger shark'. That cheap bastard."
"coordinated Republican attack machine""ordinary citizens asking uncomfortable questions"
"American troops are bogged down.""American troops are pausing to reload and resupply, and aren't walking all over every enemy everywhere, 24/7"
"unilateral preemption""preventing a credible threat of attack with the aid of 36 countries"
"driven away our allies""failed to kiss French Heinie (pun intended)"
"We must work with other countries instead of walking alone.""We must beg for a U.N. permission slip before we defend ourselves."
"George Bush inherited the strongest military in the world �- and he has weakened it.""George Bush inherited a demoralized military gutted by people like me and Bill Clinton -- and it was still able to topple two despotic regimes on the other side of the world."
"I'll take the target off the back of our troops.""I'll move the target from our troops' backs to their new U.N.-issued blue berets and white tanks."
*cough*"I'm about to tell a whopper."

--

UPDATE: Volume II is up.

UPDATE 2: Volume III is up

Infidel apparel

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Hat tip: Rantburg

I just bought some Arabic Zionist Apparel by Rokem Needle Arts. Go buy some, yourself. Annoy your local jihadis.

New taunts needed for Battle of Fallujah

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Heads up, smartasses ... e-Claire is soliciting creative new insults to resupply our Marines surrounding Fallujah!

Here's my filthy lie, as ordered by my masters at The Alliance. You won't see this at Instapundit.com:

The Puppy Blender

Negotiating With Terrorists 101

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Brave Sir Yasser
Sung to the tune of "Brave Sir Robin"
(with apologies to Neil Innes & Monty Python)

Bravely bold Sir Yasser rode forth from Mukata.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Yasser.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Yasser!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Yasser!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his ...

Then Israel told Sir Yasser: "cough up the terrorist fugitives you're hiding or we'll extract them ourselves." What did brave Sir Yasser do?

He coughed 'em right up.

Brave Sir Yasser
Brave Sir Yasser ran away,
Bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Yes, brave Sir Yasser turned about
And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Yasser.

Honor among theives, etc.

In the "feminists & light bulbs" vein

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ScrappleFace: 38 Million Not Expected at DC Abortion Rights Rally

The American Association of Aborted People (AAAP), a political inaction committee, said none of its 38 million members would participate in the protest march.

Haw!

More propaganda

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Wait a second. "Join the VC"???

vn-cong.gif

Something's fishy here.

The Heroes of the Blogosphere Challenge to raise funds for Spirit of America's efforts to support our troops is heating up. Since Fusileer 6 (a.k.a. John of Castle Argghhh!) just turned loose one of my propaganda leaflets on Esmay's Echelons of Eeeeeeeevil ...

Click here and give!

... I'd better load my shells with the next broadsheet o' lies and send it over toward the kitten-killing fiends of Wizbang's Victory Coalition (who are also a secret fanclub for Vanilla Ice). We wouldn't want them to think we've overlooked their rag-tag band of insurgents, now would we?

Fire control, this is the bridge. Batteries released!

Click here and give!

Spirit Of America Update #2

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Give 'til it hurts!

Take the fight to the craven, cowardly enemy (I hear they wear bloomers!) by clicking on the poster above! Onward, Fusileers!

--

UPDATE: For those who are wondering, the painting in the center of the poster is "DOUGLAS A. MUNRO COVERS THE WITHDRAWAL OF THE 7th MARINES AT GUADALCANAL" by Bernard D'Andrea.

Off-The-Air America tagline roundup

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The Alliance has posted its latest Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Tagline For Air America. They've dug up some good ones! Go check it out.

John Kerry, poetic muse?

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More waffles poetry for your enjoyment.

Attack of the Killer Belgian Waffles by Shane Allison [excerpted]

kerrydean.jpg In the night the Belgian waffle shakes his bon-bon
In the night see the premiere of Attack of the Killer Belgian Waffles
In the night there is nothing sexier than a Belgian waffle in black socks and a wife beater tee
In the night the Belgian waffles come out and roll around

Waffles Song

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Reproduced from "Poetry by j_ro8":

Waffle Song

Waffles,
You make me happy
Waffles,
I'm a eat ya til my chicken gets ready

Waffles,
you need some butter
Waffles,
I'm a eat ya til I get some candy....
*smile*

The Waffler-In-Chief

John KerryI like Ken's idea over at Esoteric Diatribe: he's starting a Google Bombing campaign targeting John "Waffles" Kerry for well-deserved humiliation. I'll henceforth be referring to said Senator as Waffles.

Now, inspired by Jonah Goldberg, maybe I can start a campaign to hang the sobriquet "Mayflower Gasbag" around Ted Kennedy's flabby neck ...

Air America needs a tagline, eh?

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Here's my first attempt to contribute to The Alliance. Try these taglines:

  • Air America: Affirmative Action for Idiotarians
  • Air America: Killing Grey Cells Since 2004
  • Air America: Six Whole Affiliates Can't Be Wrong
  • Air America: Actors With Faces For Radio
  • Air America: O'Flashin' In The O'Pan
  • Air America: Live on Drecks-M Radio!
  • Air America: Wait! Don't Change The Station! Please!

File this under "Duh!"

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The BBC has stumbled across the stunning revelation that HIV is spread by promiscuity. Better yet, these Masters Of The Obvious mentioned another little bit of trivia deep in the text:

In another article, researchers in Canada said abstaining from sex is the best way of protecting against HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.

Get out of here. Next they'll tell us that abstaining from alcohol is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

My take on voter registration

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I was just sitting here updating my voter registration and vaguely thinking about all the other people who will be doing the same soon. "Everyone ought to do their civic duty and register to vote", I thought.

Then, an epiphany.

Hail, Caesar!

Don't register ... you're harming yourself by diluting my power.

Kos & Bunning skewered by Chris Muir

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Day By Day, a cartoon by Chris Muir

Sunshine is the best disinfectant. Details on Kos: here. Details on Bunning: here and here.

John Kerry's Waffle House t-shirts

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The Glenn Beck Studio Store is selling t-shirts for John Kerry's Waffle House. Here's the picture on the front:

kerry-logo-shirt.gif

Classic.

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