The Ant and The Grasshopper

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Just got this in the ol' e-mail inbox. It's a well-circulated retelling of an old fable, but it's still funny.

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Classic version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building His house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Moral: Be responsible for yourself!

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Modern version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he and other unfortunate grasshoppers are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, ABC, and CNN (FOX was noticeable by their absence) show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing a duet version of "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the above media film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

Senator Tom Daschle and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi exclaim in an interview with ABC's Peter Jennings (a Canadian) that ants have gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and both call for an immediate tax hike on ants to make them pay their "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," which Congress passes with a veto-proof majority and makes it retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Senator Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that ex-President Bill Clinton appointed from a list of socialist-leaning, wealth-redistributing attorneys. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant disappears in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Moral: Vote Republican

2 Comments

Here's the more modern version:

The ant hires the down-on-his-luck grasshopper to build his house and stock his pantry, promising him not only the scraps from his table but a place to overwinter, too. "I'll take care of you," the ant promises.

So the grasshopper works and works. When the house is built and the pantry is stocked, the ant outsources the construction of his next home to India and reneges on his promise: "Sorry, GH, but times are tough. (For you, that is.)"

I mean, isn't that a little more accurate? Unless you think rich people all built their houses themselves, with their own two hands?

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Chet the Non-Liberal strikes again.

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