The Kerry Lexicon, Volume II

Volume I just wasn’t enough. As a public service, the Kerry Lexicon expands today to include other examples of Kerryspeak you’ll hear in the upcoming debates.

This way!
What Waffles Says:
No, this way!
What Waffles Means:
“The use of force must be combined with a diplomatic strategy that will work.” “When confronted by an enemy, I’ll yammer and posture and bloviate until they die laughing.”
“We must remove the Made in America label from the Iraqi occupation.” “The label we need is Nous nous rendons! Veuillez ne pas nous blesser.
“I’ll pre-empt where necessary.” “I’ll pre-emptively attack another nation when monkeys fly out of my butt.”
“My plan calls for no new spending without cutbacks to pay for that spending.” “Hey, Armed Forces: you warmongering devils can do without shoes for a year or two, right?”
“I think government needs to fulfill a duty to help people succeed.” “Hands up. Now hand over your wallet. Slowly.”
“I will stand up to the special interests and stand with hardworking families so that we can give America back its future and its ideals.” “Hey, Soros: I’m yours, cheap!”
“I will stand with hardworking families so that we can give America back its future and its ideals.” “Let’s go back to the Naughty Nineties! Bring me chubby interns!”
“As president, I will put American government and our legal system back on the side of women.” “I’ll use your tax dollars to pay for abortion-on-demand, and I’ll only appoint judges who genuflect toward icons of Harry Blackmun.”
“George Bush owes America an explanation about whether or not he showed up for duty in the National Guard.” “Stop dissecting the flip-flops I’ve made on my military career and my voting record on defense.”
“They [ABC News] are doing the work of the Republican National Committee.” “I dissed Charlie Gibson and he nailed me to the wall.”
“In the end, America is safer and stronger when it is respected around the world, not feared.” “I’ll grovel before our enemies in the hope that they’ll attack us last.”
“… drastic Republican cuts in Medicare and Medicaid and the Earned Income Tax Credit.” “… Republican increases in Medicare and Medicaid and the Earned Income Tax Credit that didn’t reach the criminally irresponsponsible levels I wanted.”
“So much of what I know about being an American I learned in Vietnam. I didn’t have to go, but the tug of duty and country compelled me.” “I needed a wartime PT boat story to measure up to the first JFK.”
“I will cut waste and abuse out of our health care system by giving incentives for smarter more efficient systems.” “I’ll shuffle money from one bureaucracy to another.”
“My education plan will invest more in our public schools and expect more from them in return.” “I’ll bloat the Department of Education so fast that Teddy Kennedy will call for restraint, and I’ll tell the teachers’ unions to put out a press release calling for nebulous standards that we’ll never enforce.”


UPDATE: Volume III is up

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