The Kerry Lexicon, Volume I

I’m providing this handy translation sheet in eager anticipation of the Bush/Kerry debates.

This way!
What Waffles Says:
No, this way!
What Waffles Means:
“I will return to the U.N. and formally rejoin the community of nations.” “I will go hat-in-hand to the French, the Russians, and the Chinese, promising to ask their permission the next time America needs to defend itself from attack … if only they’ll invite me to their cocktail parties again.”
“We need a plan.” “I haven’t got a plan of my own, but I’ll distract you by criticizing any plan that Bush offers.”
“The way the president went to war is a mistake.” “Bush pissed off people who profited from the UN’s Oil-For-Saddam’s-Palaces scam. The big poopie head.”
“They’re questioning my patriotism.” “They’re asking me to reconcile my simultaneous shame for my ‘war crimes’ in Vietnam with my constant crowing about my four-month tour of duty there.”
“They’re questioning my patriotism.” “They’re asking me why I voted to cancel the funding for the MX missile, the B-1 bomber, the Tomahawk missile, the Apache helicopter, the Patriot missile, the Harrier jet and the F-15 fighter.”
“They’re questioning my patriotism.” “They’re running an ad criticizing my twenty-year voting record on defense.”
“They’re questioning my patriotism.” They’re asking me which of my many stories really explains why I threw away my military decorations at an anti-war protest in 1971.”
“They’re questioning my patriotism.” “They’re criticizing me and I can’t think of a way to refute them at the moment.”
“This election is about the future.” “Stop looking at my past voting record, my speeches, my interviews, my statements, my writings …”
“The president didn’t build a legitimate coalition.” “Thirty-six countries isn’t a coalition unless it includes France, Germany, and Belgium.”
“quagmire” “momentary pause between American combat victories”
“Iraq had nothing to do with al-Qaeda.” “Iraqi officials had high-level meetings with Al Qaeda leaders, trained Islamists how to hijack planes, gave cash incentives to suicide bombers, harbored internationally-wanted high-profile terrorists, and even shared a common primary enemy (America) … but nobody can show me a formal treaty signed by Osama and Saddam.”
“I will build alliances and cooperation.” “I will suck up to my European betters.”
“I support the troops.” “I talk alot about supporting the troops, but I don’t actually visit them or vote for funds to resupply them.”
“I will make this country and our economy stronger by restoring fiscal responsibility.” “I will piggyback on the boom from the Bush tax cuts while taxing the bat crap out of you.”
“George Bush’s big, big, big tax cut for the rich.” “George Bush’s tax cut which reduced the size of my bite into your earnings from ‘great white shark’ to ‘tiger shark’. That cheap bastard.”
“coordinated Republican attack machine” “ordinary citizens asking uncomfortable questions”
“American troops are bogged down.” “American troops are pausing to reload and resupply, and aren’t walking all over every enemy everywhere, 24/7”
“unilateral preemption” “preventing a credible threat of attack with the aid of 36 countries”
“driven away our allies” “failed to kiss French Heinie (pun intended)”
“We must work with other countries instead of walking alone.” “We must beg for a U.N. permission slip before we defend ourselves.”
“George Bush inherited the strongest military in the world �- and he has weakened it.” “George Bush inherited a demoralized military gutted by people like me and Bill Clinton — and it was still able to topple two despotic regimes on the other side of the world.”
“I’ll take the target off the back of our troops.” “I’ll move the target from our troops’ backs to their new U.N.-issued blue berets and white tanks.”
*cough* “I’m about to tell a whopper.”


UPDATE: Volume II is up.
UPDATE 2: Volume III is up

4 comments

  1. democrats give conservatives indigestion

    What Kerry Says, What Kerry Means

    Via Brain Shavings we get a handy lexicon to aid in translating what John Waffles Kerry says. Example: Waffles says: “I will make this country and our economy stronger by restoring fiscal responsibility.” Waffles MEANS: “I will piggyback on the…